Only time.....

I know that it hasn't been that long and that a year can really pass you by, just like that. With the click of a finger, the blink of an eye, before you know it, its been 365 days. Amazing isn't it.....
A decision has been made in the last few days, a decision that I was well aware of. One that probably, I had already made in my mind. Nevertheless, it was not any easier to carry out. With anxiety setting in, the numb limbs and palpitating heart, for a moment I thought I would just pass out. I never thought that a person would ever affect me this way. This was new. I believe that I had never cried so hard or so much in my life. I am sad. For once, I had something to look forward to and now I don't. Now, I have to find something else to look forward to, occupy my time with a whole new array of thoughts and activities. I can no longer think about you. I will no longer be able to talk to you when I want, text you, send you big panda kisses, call you my honey, smell you, touch you, cook for you......

The mere thought of it brings tears to my eyes. Sitting here recording this down, makes me well up with emotions all over again. The longing, the pain, the loss, the love, but, no anger. No anger. I do not think that I am capable of anger at this moment. Of course there are the 5 stages of grief. anger, depression, acceptance, and another two that I don't remember. Perhaps I had already gone through them all. All through the week, all in one day?

As I laid myself to rest my mind was a blank. There was nothing left to think about. Laying on my bed with my trusty pillow, I still can't seem to rest. Putting my head on my pillow makes me think of the chest with the beating heart that I used to rest so well on. The one that will no longer be there, but only survive in my memories. Memories do imply loss, and I have lost you. Maybe this loss is for the greater good. Only time will tell....
Watching you turn your back and walk away, knowing that you will never turn around, thats the most painful memory......I will miss you, very much.