Tuesdays make me think of you.
As I sit here this rainy morning, it is with a heavy heart that I have decided to go home.
Part of me wants to stay here, to be still physically closer to you though emotionally distant
and the other part thinks that I should leave. Leave to somewhere far, far away, in hopes that the physical distance will help lessen the emotional bond.
Out of sight, out of mind....
I had so much to put down last night, but they all seem to have wandered out of my mind. I have started a new entry, but I don't know what to write anymore.....
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Friday, July 27, 2007
Only time.....
I know that it hasn't been that long and that a year can really pass you by, just like that. With the click of a finger, the blink of an eye, before you know it, its been 365 days. Amazing isn't it.....
A decision has been made in the last few days, a decision that I was well aware of. One that probably, I had already made in my mind. Nevertheless, it was not any easier to carry out. With anxiety setting in, the numb limbs and palpitating heart, for a moment I thought I would just pass out. I never thought that a person would ever affect me this way. This was new. I believe that I had never cried so hard or so much in my life. I am sad. For once, I had something to look forward to and now I don't. Now, I have to find something else to look forward to, occupy my time with a whole new array of thoughts and activities. I can no longer think about you. I will no longer be able to talk to you when I want, text you, send you big panda kisses, call you my honey, smell you, touch you, cook for you......
The mere thought of it brings tears to my eyes. Sitting here recording this down, makes me well up with emotions all over again. The longing, the pain, the loss, the love, but, no anger. No anger. I do not think that I am capable of anger at this moment. Of course there are the 5 stages of grief. anger, depression, acceptance, and another two that I don't remember. Perhaps I had already gone through them all. All through the week, all in one day?
As I laid myself to rest my mind was a blank. There was nothing left to think about. Laying on my bed with my trusty pillow, I still can't seem to rest. Putting my head on my pillow makes me think of the chest with the beating heart that I used to rest so well on. The one that will no longer be there, but only survive in my memories. Memories do imply loss, and I have lost you. Maybe this loss is for the greater good. Only time will tell....
Watching you turn your back and walk away, knowing that you will never turn around, thats the most painful memory......I will miss you, very much.
A decision has been made in the last few days, a decision that I was well aware of. One that probably, I had already made in my mind. Nevertheless, it was not any easier to carry out. With anxiety setting in, the numb limbs and palpitating heart, for a moment I thought I would just pass out. I never thought that a person would ever affect me this way. This was new. I believe that I had never cried so hard or so much in my life. I am sad. For once, I had something to look forward to and now I don't. Now, I have to find something else to look forward to, occupy my time with a whole new array of thoughts and activities. I can no longer think about you. I will no longer be able to talk to you when I want, text you, send you big panda kisses, call you my honey, smell you, touch you, cook for you......
The mere thought of it brings tears to my eyes. Sitting here recording this down, makes me well up with emotions all over again. The longing, the pain, the loss, the love, but, no anger. No anger. I do not think that I am capable of anger at this moment. Of course there are the 5 stages of grief. anger, depression, acceptance, and another two that I don't remember. Perhaps I had already gone through them all. All through the week, all in one day?
As I laid myself to rest my mind was a blank. There was nothing left to think about. Laying on my bed with my trusty pillow, I still can't seem to rest. Putting my head on my pillow makes me think of the chest with the beating heart that I used to rest so well on. The one that will no longer be there, but only survive in my memories. Memories do imply loss, and I have lost you. Maybe this loss is for the greater good. Only time will tell....
Watching you turn your back and walk away, knowing that you will never turn around, thats the most painful memory......I will miss you, very much.
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Puffy's letter...
My love,
I have never known that I was able to feel this way, so stuck, so unwilling to let go, and yet, our lives are so separate. Only intertwining in short moments and some, as almost strangers. This past few days have been very difficult, I know, for both you and I. Moments of almost heart attacks, palpitations, tears, probably even moments where I had forgotten to breathe. For I never understood what it was to fear loss until now, I fear losing you.
I have nothing to offer you that other people cannot. We are all the same, yet different in our own ways. I may not understand you as well, or even know you as well, but I want to. The grass is neither greener on either sides. Its the same grass, just different people to walk on it with.
I cannot guarantee you forever happiness, but I will definitely try my best to work on it. I do not guarantee easy sailing, for there will definitely be hard times. The times where we'd probably ask ourselves what the hell did we get ourselves into? I don't know what is going to happen, in a year, in 10 years. Who does? But I do know that, right now, I want to go through those times with you. Walk with me....
I just thought it was just what I had wanted to say when I saw this on tv, so corny but...
Pick me, choose me, let me make you happy.
The Puffy one
I have never known that I was able to feel this way, so stuck, so unwilling to let go, and yet, our lives are so separate. Only intertwining in short moments and some, as almost strangers. This past few days have been very difficult, I know, for both you and I. Moments of almost heart attacks, palpitations, tears, probably even moments where I had forgotten to breathe. For I never understood what it was to fear loss until now, I fear losing you.
I have nothing to offer you that other people cannot. We are all the same, yet different in our own ways. I may not understand you as well, or even know you as well, but I want to. The grass is neither greener on either sides. Its the same grass, just different people to walk on it with.
I cannot guarantee you forever happiness, but I will definitely try my best to work on it. I do not guarantee easy sailing, for there will definitely be hard times. The times where we'd probably ask ourselves what the hell did we get ourselves into? I don't know what is going to happen, in a year, in 10 years. Who does? But I do know that, right now, I want to go through those times with you. Walk with me....
I just thought it was just what I had wanted to say when I saw this on tv, so corny but...
Pick me, choose me, let me make you happy.
The Puffy one
Monday, July 23, 2007
Corinthians 13
Love is patient, and love is kind,
it is not jealous or prideful
love is not rude,
it is not selfish,
it is never angry, it is not happy with evil,
love is not happy with lies, but rejoices in the truth.
Love never gives up,
love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things,
endures all things.
Love never fails.
Sunday, July 22, 2007
Another wreck
Dreamt about another car wreck again last night
this time, rather minor
but still disturbing nevertheless
been so sleepless these past few nights
waking up at the oddest hours
feeling fatigued
shit hit the fan and I don't know where to go from here
what now?
this time, rather minor
but still disturbing nevertheless
been so sleepless these past few nights
waking up at the oddest hours
feeling fatigued
shit hit the fan and I don't know where to go from here
what now?
Friday, July 20, 2007
Wreck
from the moment I woke up this morning,
it just seemed like something was not right
been dreaming about getting my car wrecked for the past few days
oddly, I was never inside
and no, the car is not wrecked yet, still very much in one piece
as for me?
feeling very uncomfortable
it just seemed like something was not right
been dreaming about getting my car wrecked for the past few days
oddly, I was never inside
and no, the car is not wrecked yet, still very much in one piece
as for me?
feeling very uncomfortable
Saturday, July 14, 2007
Its an internal conflict
Part of me wants a decision to be made and yet,
the other part just wants to continue on as is....
going on as it had been means that you'll be around
but, how long can this continue????
making a decision means that I will risk losing you, more than likely
life is just full of choices that we sometimes don't want to make
but eventually, we will have to...
I'm sorry that you have to carry this burden
for I am not brave enough
already it feels like little pieces falling apart
a whole melting pot of emotions happiness, sorrow, love, hate, anger, disappointment, longing
all taking turns expressing themselves inside
one after another
having you around,
makes the sadness bearable
amongst this chaos,
somehow there is a comfort that you provide, makes the shortest nap, peaceful
Friday, July 13, 2007
Monday, July 02, 2007
Some interesting quotes.....
Got them from a walk on first friday a while back....
came with some kinda stress wire thing....
this is what happens when you spring clean...
finding crap that you didn't even know you have anymore
came with some kinda stress wire thing....
this is what happens when you spring clean...
finding crap that you didn't even know you have anymore
" Those who do no know how to weep
with their whole heart, dont know
how to laugh either"
- Golda Meir
" The greatest strength is gentleness"
- Native American Indian proverb
" The fruit of silence is prayer
The fruit of prayer is faith
the fruit of faith is love
the fruit of love is service
the fruit of service is peace"
- Mother Teresa
" If we have no peace,
it is because
we have forgotten that
we belong to each other"
- Mother Teresa
" Because I can no longer ignore death
I pay more attention to life"
- Treya Wilber
" May we see not only
with our eyes,
but with the one eye
which is out heart"
- Black Elk
" People are like stained-glass windows.
They sparkle and shine when the sun
is out, but when the darkness sets in,
their true beauty is revealed
only if there is a light from within"
- Elizabeth Kubler-Ross
" Suppressed grief suffocates, it rages
within the breast, and is forced
to multiply its strength"
- Ovid
" Don't cry because it's over,
Smile because it happened"
- Ted Geisel ( Dr. Seuss)
" Go into your grief for there your
soul will grow"
- Carl Jung
with their whole heart, dont know
how to laugh either"
- Golda Meir
" The greatest strength is gentleness"
- Native American Indian proverb
" The fruit of silence is prayer
The fruit of prayer is faith
the fruit of faith is love
the fruit of love is service
the fruit of service is peace"
- Mother Teresa
" If we have no peace,
it is because
we have forgotten that
we belong to each other"
- Mother Teresa
" Because I can no longer ignore death
I pay more attention to life"
- Treya Wilber
" May we see not only
with our eyes,
but with the one eye
which is out heart"
- Black Elk
" People are like stained-glass windows.
They sparkle and shine when the sun
is out, but when the darkness sets in,
their true beauty is revealed
only if there is a light from within"
- Elizabeth Kubler-Ross
" Suppressed grief suffocates, it rages
within the breast, and is forced
to multiply its strength"
- Ovid
" Don't cry because it's over,
Smile because it happened"
- Ted Geisel ( Dr. Seuss)
" Go into your grief for there your
soul will grow"
- Carl Jung
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